eva-R

CAPTION:

I have a problem.

I want to tell someone,

but I can’t open up.

I want to reach out,

for hands I will refuse to touch.

I need someone to talk to me,

but I don’t want to hear their kindly words.

I need a shoulder to cry on,

but no one can see my tears.

I need you to open up your heart to me,

but I don’t want your sympathy.

You are my friend,

you are an outsider.

You are my confidant,

you are a meddler

you are the only one who can help me,

but I want you out of my life.

I need the warmth of one who loves me,

and I want to be left alone.

Dear God, leave me alone.

We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease. In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone. You said, "The cinders are falling like snow." There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward, and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.

I know it has been awhile since my last post. A lot has happened:

Break-ups.
Leavings and Fare-thee-wells.
New Music.
New Job.
Christmas.
and the always ever present Frustrations of my own humanity and existence.

Why is it always me that must suffer pain. I have never understood. But I have always known I wasn't alone.

This one goes out to Rei-chan and Shinji-kun. My dearest friends, my closest enemies, the ones who know me more so than myself.

This one's for you.

fin.