The finest form of communication is confusion.

- Salvador Dali

Beneath the flesh of this being, lies a heart that beats to the music of counter-culture and absurdity. It is the one heart, alone in this mass execution of life and intelligence, that can be the saviour for it's own being. The soulless husk in which it occupies continues upon it's pilgrimage to the New Mecca of this life. One that does not exist directly upon the Earth, but is implanted into the aesthetic of every creature that walks upon it.

This one heart, one soul, is the key to finding one's self in the universe of pain, hope, anguish, and absurdity the good Lord has placed us all upon, in order to find the closeness that we all, as human beings, need and desire. It is our deepest wish, our one desire that nothing which lives within the confines and restraints of a fleshly husk, consumed by evil, can ever completely fill.

The Room of Gaf has been opened. Humanity is melding winthin itself, all are becoming one. But the desires of the hearts of many do not coinicide, and we wish to remain individual. But we cannot stop the Instrumentality that has begun. Time will go forward, life will continue on. Whether mankind is one or many, is to be determined by God.

I had a living dream last night about 3Jane, the last surviving member of the Tessier-Ashpool family. She was pissed off at the run that Case and Molly pulled on Straylight in Neuromancer, and so they had to go for another, only this time Angela Mitchell (famous stim actress), The Count, and the Finn were involved. It was quite possibly the largest run in the history of the matrix. Lots of ice, I felt like I was being ridden again.

No more Gibson before bedtime, that's for damn sure.

I have been ok the past few days. I've definitely been better....or have I? That would be the question wouldn't it. I feel bad about alot of things, but I also feel good about alot of things too. I am back on my medicine, which is good. I can no longer been ridden, loa no longer affect my conscious streams of thought. My being, and inturn everyone elses for the time being, is now a safe haven from the dangers of life, althought the dangers still come and go as they please.

I have recieved a more recent visit from my mentor. William has returned to me, after being so lost for so long. I am quickly becoming inspired again. Even though reaching the the Hourglass screen to ring her neck, tight in my sweaty, blood-filled grip before hearing how disgusting life is for the thousandth time does seem to be real tempting.

Have not kept up with the Grid Blog exercise. I should probably see if another has begun, or is going to begin. I must continue this Ritual if I am to continue my journey to the end of my being.

I have found that man's search for existence seems to be futile and an unacceptable waste of time, unless of course you believe that your life has a certain, pre-destined, unique purpose that no one else may coincide with.

I'm still struggling with finding that course for myself. What really makes you intellectually dishonest, though is when you use the phrase: "There is no purpose in life for anyone." That statement proves to the Intellectually-Above Average person that you truly do not understand the fullness and complexities in the Earthly journey into the true great, vast, unknown final frontier.

The soul of mankind.

28:06:42:12

That is when the world will end.

Modern Man must descend the spiral of his own absurdity to the lowest point. Only then can he look BEYOND it.

-Vaclav Havel

Although I must be innocent,
now I am punished.
I wasn't the one who sewed those seeds,
but neverthelessI have to pull up the flowers that bloomed from them.

"Cemetery Drive"
this night, walk the dead in a solitary style and crash the cemetery gates. in the dress your husband hates; way down, mark the grave where the search lights find us drinking by the mausoleum door, and they found you on the bathroom floor; i miss you, i miss you so far and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard; back home, off the run singing songs that make you slit your wrists it isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun; so i won't stop dying, won't stop lying if you want i'll keep on crying; did you get what you deserve? is this what you always want me for? i miss you, i miss you so far and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard way down.

MCR

"Well never again and never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head, and we're all dead now..."

Well...life is going. Going. Not quite gone. This is all for the best though. I can only go up from here....unless I go down the ladder. Which I doubt I will...that would be suicide, or something. And that's not an option. So I guess I have to go up. No choice...only choice.

I wish I could tell you how I feel, I so desperately wish that. I want to hold your hands and tell you things I haven't been able to tell anyone, but I am afraid I can't. Not now. Not ever. Because I don't even know myself. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I'm thinking at this point in time. I don't even know how to hold hands anymore. I need to re-learn life.

Damn it. This is hard.

"Would you marry me, would you bury me, would you carry me to the end?"

I musn't run away.

bye.

"God will Provide for this kitten."

"What makes you think so?"

"Because I know it! Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His seeing it."

"But it falls, just the same. What good is seeing it fall?"

Old *****'s jaws worked, but she could not get any word out for the moment, she was so horrified.

Christian and the gangare Sleepwalking around me in Silence. I wish I knew what to do. I'm having flashbacks of things. It sucks...but then again, so does life.

I don't think I'm capable of Love. Love, it seems to me, is this selfish, dillusional attempt for humans to fill this dark blot in our souls that can never be filled.

God, I hate how I sound like I used too. I hat how I hate myself. I hate how I can't let go of all the things that have (insert expletive here) up my life so bad. This merry game of house, this charade, that I have been playing must come to an end. I must end up on the shores of my soul and find my existence. I must come to the end of my being that, apparently, most humanity doesn't reach in their lifetimes.

It's like it's all there, but I can't reach through the television glass and ring my hands around her throat until tears stream into my consciousness.

I'm so (insert expletive here) up.

I mustn't run away.
I musn't run away.
I musn't run away.

All of us are searching for an open arm. It's a shame how I pulled myself apart. All of us are searching for an open arm. It's the same words that are making me run for cover to your heart.

Ten Years and Running...keep it coming.

new, full update coming soon. Stay tuned for some new suprises. if I get lucky.

bye.

Did you know how you would move me, did you know?

Did you know how you would move me?

Well, I don’t even think so.

But the moment's magic swept us away.

And it’s so close, but we’re so far away....

Start the Journey...

Life is getting better. Money is ok. Yuna is ok.

O God, the Aftermath...

bye.

I'm stressed.

Life will get better. At least i hope so.

At least love lasts.

I'll get over it all, though. Don't worry.

bye.